Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Some Days Are Better Than Others...

I'm really not sure as to how I'm feeling today. I'm sure by the time I sign off on this post, however, I'll know.

And yep, remember how this blog is a collection of my rants, raves, and randomness? It's rant time, people. Boy howdy, is it rant time...

So as always, when someone just royally pisses me off and I decide to blog, I will not point fingers and put the specific person on blast. Unfortunately, I'm going through a rough time. Why? Well for one, I'm getting a divorce.

And for two, sometimes... life just sucks. However, am I going to let this get me down? Nope! Well, at least I'm going to try not to. However, it's been a rather bittersweet 3 months, and it's been very hard to hold everything in. Unhealthy, I know, but I can't stand blathering about super personal things online. Especially on Facebook. Don't let me get started on that ridiculousness.

Anywhoo, my marriage starting falling down the tubes in October. In my opinion it had been on a downward spiral for awhile. "But Meg, you and Josh were doing so well! You were soooo happy, why are you getting a divorce? You're so perfect for each other!!!" No. Josh and I were keeping up appearances. It was a facade to keep people from noticing that things just weren't okay with us anymore. In fact, we'd been on shaky ground since before we got married. The problem? I fell out of love. I'm a flighty person by nature, and after awhile I just didn't feel the way I felt when we first got together. I didn't even see a future for our relationship. But I tried to keep things going for Josh's sake. It was exhausting, and I was miserable. After several fights, we finally agreed to just call it quits, and we've been separated for about a month now. The separation wasn't supposed to come until after the first of the year, but things were bad enough that we didn't make it to Christmas. Ah well. Can't win 'em all. It's a cold reality, but it's reality nonetheless.

I often fear for when I start dating again. I have already made it perfectly clear that I won't ever get married again. I feel like getting married in the first place was a huge mistake on my part. I have several worries, the two main ones being 1) I feel like no one is ever going to want to be with me (which I know isn't true but the fact is I am incredibly picky when it comes to finding a partner: I can be a lot to handle at times and I need someone who can stand up and be strong with me, rather than having a weak/strong relationship or vice versa.) and 2) When I do get to be with someone great, and things go super well, I'm going to lose interest thanks to my flighty attitude and wind up hurting them. Either way, it's going to be awhile before I start dating again. Not because "Oh I'm hurt and I'll never date again, blah blah whine whine snore," but because in the last 7 (almost 8!) years, I've been single for a grand total of a month. When I broke up with my ex, I immediately dived into my relationship with Josh a month later, and even still during that month, I was talking to someone online in Minnesota. Not a good thing. Because of this, I've more or less lost sight of who I am, and it's time for me to reacquaint myself with Meg. I need to make sure that I'm standing on solid ground before I can be solid with anyone else. I'm a work in progress, and I'm slowly getting there, but it's all about the baby steps. Slow forward progress is better than none at all. So I'm going to focus on getting back on my feet, enjoy my family and friends, take care of my fur babies and just get my life lined back out.

Which brings me to another depressing note:

I am taking this spring semester off from school.

It sucks, but I need to focus on getting a job so that I am able to afford my bills and get back on my feet. I also need to focus my attention on the divorce. I also have holds to remove from my accounts at both LCC and Pitt State, holds that should have been taken care of months ago and weren't due to bad judgment on my part.

Wait, no. "It sucks" doesn't even begin to cover it. I am DEVASTATED. BROKEN HEARTED. TORN UP. I was seriously looking forward to this semester, and seeing my new friends again, and all sorts of stuff. Unfortunately, life happens sometimes. I feel crushed by the fact that I had to make such a hard decision, and it feels like I'm totally giving up on my dream. Which I'm not giving up on my dream, but it's hard for me to not see it that way. I'm hoping that my positive mindset will return and I'll be able to see the situation for what it is: not giving up on my dream, just temporarily putting it on hold due to extenuating circumstances. If any of my Pitt buddies read this, I want you all to know that I will be back in the fall, and I will hopefully get to keep in touch with/see you all really soon.

Needless to say, I've been tempted to just curl up in a little ball and cry my eyes out. I haven't cried yet, surprisingly, but I probably should. I might feel a little better.

For the most part, I do okay though. I have an awesome roommate living with me (one of my best friends) and she's been an immense source of support for me in this difficult time. I try to hold my head high and not let all the negativity get the best of me. In fact, I've been doing well enough that at my last therapy appointment, my meds were adjusted to an as-needed basis, and I haven't really needed them. My lows haven't really gotten too low. But just in case, I am keeping them handy in case things really get to me. I'm hoping that once the divorce is over, my depression will start to dissipate. We shall soon see though...

So now, I'll close this feeling a little more sure of myself, a little less bogged down, and ready to send out positive energy to each and every one of you who reads this. :)

Until next time... :)

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